The Undead Tales of Johnny Test and Shrek & the Swamps
by racerofspeed
Summary: It is a cold October night and the dead are awake.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

One October night, Johnny and Dukey were sitting out in their parent's balcony

smoking. The breeze was cold and threatening at their feet. Johnny lived for nights

like these. Ever since his twin sisters passed away, he didn't smile often. Careless

nights were rare. He could ever hardly feel at peace.

-"Johnny, I miss them."

-"We all do."

Dukey takes a drag and exhales towards the night sky.

-"Do you think Mary and Susan are watching?"

\- "The dead are always watching, Dukey," replied Johnny, "they're always  
watching."

[ Mary and Susan passed away while conducting a science experiment. Susan

had developed a disease unknown to mankind, thus incurable. So Mary made it

her job, her mission even, to save Susan.

She called the disease _Susan's Syndrome._ Susan would spontaneously begin to

bleed on a daily basis. She'd be doing something as effortless as reading a book, and she'd

notice bloody tears running down her cheek.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the disease started mutating. Every night she'd sleep walk

all around the house. Then it got to the point where she'd suddenly fall asleep midday

and instantaneously begin to sleep walk. This led to her walking into objects, knocking

herself out, and even walking into traffic.

Soon she was incapable to attend school. That's when Mary dropped out to work

full-time on a cure.

Months after, Susan was on the brink of death. At the same time, Mary had finally

managed to isolate the virus cells. She knew of a way to kill the infected cells, but doing so

would also eliminate billions of vital cells. Not to mention, it would render her lungs

useless. So she started to research lung transplants and a way to live with only one

lung.

Three days later, she was ready. She spent hours training Johnny and Dukey to inject the

anti-virus. Mary's lung was already out and ready to be transplanted. They had setup

Susan on a bed with a makeshift lung by her side to be turned on when hers died, giving Mary

just enough time to perform the operation. Everything was set.

Mary signals Johnny and he injects the ant-virus into Susan's bloodstream. Mary rushes to

Susan's side and begins to cut at the muscles holding her lungs. Five minutes later her lungs

are out and the only thing keeping her alive are the makeshift lungs. Mary starts inplanting

her lung into Susan's chest. What Mary hadn't told Susan, what she hadn't told anyone in fact,

was that it was hopeless. But it was their last resort.

Half an hour passes and Mary has finished the operation. She turns off the makeshift lungs

and hopes for the best.

For a moment, it looked like Susan might just make it.

But she didn't, it had been useless. Despite the fact that Mary knew this would happen,

she dropped to her knees, laying her hands over Susan's dead body. She screamed in an

explosion of anger and anguish for hours on end.

What she also hadn't told anyone was that it's not possible to live on one lung.

Their funeral took place four days after. Not many people showed up, given the fact that they

weren't very popular. Since that night, Johnny had never been the same. ]

That day stays on his mind like a fresh wound.

Johnny breathes in the October cold and he notices something odd. The scent of onions

starts to fill the air. Johnny begins to tear up.

-"Keep it together."

-"I'm not crying, something smells weird."

Dukey sniffs around and starts to tear up as well.

Soon the ground starts to shake. Johnny and Dukey run inside and take cover  
under blankets. There's no place safer than your covers.

Trophies and books fall from their shelves. Dukey lets out a howl and holds tight

onto Johnny. Soon the windows shatter allowing the scent of onions to make its way

into every corner of the room.

That's when the doors burst open.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Everything goes silent. Johnny and Dukey lay shaking for what feels like  
hours. The smell of onions is as strong as ever.

Then the silence is broken.

-"Knock knock."

-"Who's there?"

-"Shrek."

-"Shrek who?"

-"But really, Shrek _why_?"

-"Who are you?"

-"But like ' _Why_ am I?'" The creature begins pacing, a vague shadow in the darkness, "We

are born into this world without a clue of who we are. We wait for our scars and hurt to

define us. We develop layers. From the moment we are born, we begin to die. A countdown

to darkness. The fallen have risen. I have been alive long enough to see this happen before."

No one says anything for the longest time. They just wait for his words to sink in.

-"Follow me laddies."

-"Who the fuck are you?"

Dukey puts a paw on Johnny's shoulder attempting to restrain him.

-"Show your face, sausage fingers."


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

-"Alright."

Johnny and Dukey watch in awe as the disembodied voice begins to step into the light. The first thing they notice are his shoes. Cloth booties laced around his ankles by rope. He wore striped brown tights. They looked as though he had been rolling in the mud ogre and ogre again. Then his face came into view. All of his skin was a dark shade of green. He was huge. His calloused hands threatened to ogreterate everything in their path.

-"The name's Shrek laddie."

That's when the rest of the gang stepped into the room. They hadn't made a single peep the whole time. They consisted of a blue haired teenage girl (who honestly looked like a bitch), a donkey, a dark skinned middle aged woman, and a tall curly haired teenager.

The blue haired girl introduced herself, "I'm Athenas." She wore a gray college shirt and black ripped jeans. Her black tattered shoes were blood stained to the tip. She pointed to the dark lady, "She's walmart."

-"Walmart?" asked Dukey.

-"My name's Laura."

-"Shut up, Walmart."

-"Why do you call her Walmart?" ventured Johnny.

-"Cause we found her behind Walmart."

-"Well I don't call you Shrek's asshole do I?"

This got a few giggles from the group. Except for the donkey, his eyes seemed to wander to his hooves.

He then, finally spoke up.

-"I'm Donkey."

-"Quite a stretch of imagination from his parents," mumbled Johnny, making Dukey laugh.

Shrek pointed to the curly haired not-so-green version of himself, "And that's Bryan." They all looked absolutely ridiculous. Three humans, a donkey, and a green thing.

-"Why are you all here?" asked Johnny.

-"To help you, of course." replied Athenas.

-"Why us?"

-"Well you dimwits are the couple responsible for jumpstarting the apocalypse. So we figure if anyone can stop this mess, it's you."

Her words lingered in the following silence. Johnny's mind raced to whatever she could possibly have meant by that, but nothing made sense.

-" _Susan's Syndrome_ , is that what you two called it? Anyways, the point is, the disease spread, it metastasized, and it mutated. So now we have these living Hollywood Zombie replicas. Oh and I speak many languages. Just wanted to put that out there."

Johnny began to recall last year's November. They had been sure the disease had been contained. Apparently they were wrong and are now responsible for the deaths of millions of people.

-"So what's the plan?"

-"We collect all of your sister's data, take it and you back to Far Far Away, where our most advanced scientists are located. We have to get to the portal before Tuesday. We have a day and a half to do this. Are you in?"

It was five minutes before anyone said another word.

-"We're in."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

The next half an hour or so was a chaotic scene of turning their house upside down looking for the documents. They packed all the necessary supplies they could find (Hot Pockets). Shrek scavenged the cabinets for onions. Classic Shrek.

Bryan wandered cluelessly through the hallways pretending to be helping. Though, in a way, he was. Bryan, or as he called himself, _Kordigoth_ , made Donkey uneasy. Something about his curly hair, or his striking resemblance to Shrek; he just couldn't stand being near him.

Johnny sneaked out of the whole commotion without anyone noticing. He felt he needed a last blunt before embarking on their clearly suicidal adventure, thus leaving Dukey to guide everyone around. He didn't even care, Johnny. He didn't care about the mission, or getting killed. He didn't care about saving anyone. He just wanted his sisters back. But there's nothing that could bring them back, so he got emo bangs.

He came into the living room after finishing his blunt. No one even noticed he had left, so he put eyeliner on.

-"Ready to go?" asked Walmart.

Shrek nodded.

-"Alright then."

With solemn looks on their faces, they prepared with their weapons to exit the house. Johnny was carrying a sonic golf club, while Dukey carried a revolver. Both surprisingly puny compared to the Swamps' armaments. Athenas had a futuristic jetpack on her back and a 6 headed grenade launcher. Bryan carried a sonic blaster that hung on his shoulder. Donkey had barding on his back and to everyone's surprise, his hooves were actually futuristic pistols. Shrek was the least armed of them all, having only rocket booties and his green fists.

Okay, now Walmart; oh Walmart. She had a sonic shopping cart. It's cool though. It's fine, I guess.

The creatures started banging on the door and everyone took a step back. Johnny's hands were shaking. No math test or world history lesson had ever prepared him for fighting the undead.

Shrek nodded to the crew and placed his foot on the door. In a matter of two seconds, Shrek activated his rocket booties, knocking the door off its hinges with killing force. At the same time, Athenas blasted out the door, doing a backflip in the air and firing her grenade launcher at the cluster of zombies surrounding the house.

The quest had begun.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5: The Wailing of the Undead (The chapter chapters started having titles)**

When the smoke clears, there is only Athenas surrounded by debris. She turns to the gang with a deadly grin on her face and this only excites Johnny.

The wailing of the undead begins to get closer. Walmart rushes forward with her sonic shopping cart, Collin, making way for the swamps. The group follows Walmart closely behind, shooting at the creatures closing in. Johnny swung at the heads of the undead and with a sonic blow, they flew off their torso and onto the streets. Donkey levitated himself with his weaponized hooves, spinning every now and then, shooting at the zombies with dead on precision.

-"We need to barricade for the night!" shouted Athenas over the commotion.

-"oH MY GOD WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IF YOU WERE GONNA BARRICADE THIS FUCKING EAAAARLLLYYY ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!? YOU EVER WATCH THE WALKING DEAD?! COOORRAAAALLL WE DON'T BARRICADE THE PEOPLE WE LOVE! CORRRAAAALLLL!"

They acknowledged the homeless man's point and decided to keep going.

The Swamps advanced another mile or so, destroying every trace of makeshift life. Shrek and Donkey fought together with such grace and rhythm. Their hearts beating together as one big onion.

-"Stop!" yelled Walmart.

Everyone looked at her puzzled, awaiting an explanation. That's when they realized: there were no zombies left around them. They had been shooting at nothing for the past minute.

-"What a catch, Walmart!' sassed Collin, the sonic shopping cart.

They proceeded to run toward a 711, where they'd take shelter for the night. They locked the glass doors and barricaded isles against them. After everyone got settled in, they started a controlled fire in the middle of the store. Dukey was craving some marshmallows.

-"Wait, whoa woeeeeyyyy hold the fuck up," woahed Bryan, "why were zombies ignoring the hobo?'

-"And why isn't he turned yet?" contributed Shrek.

-"Maybe the homeless are immune."

Everyone laughed, but Johnny couldn't ignore the possibility that maybe homelessness protected you from the virus.

Spooky.

The Swamps sat around the fire conversing about life before the apocalypse, like they do in most zombie movies, I guess. Athenas talked really emotionally about her life pre-shittonofzombiesinhabitingtheearth. She used to be an asshole to people all the time. And now there's no people left for her to be an asshole to. Shrek started to tear up.

-"It's okay, Shrek. I can learn to be an asshole to the undead instead."

Shrek slowly shows Athenas the onion he's been eating.

-"Oh," said Athenas confused, "never mind."

-"My life before this was fucking weird, man," said Walmart, " I owned a small cozy apartment with Collin, The Not Yet Sonic Shopping Cart. But here's the weird part: he never fucking helped with the groceries. Like, he's a shopping cart. That's what he's made for. But he's all, 'Oh, no. My back. I'm Collin and I'm a little bitch.' Fuck off I have real human back. You're made of whatever shopping carts are made of. You're more resistant. Your back pain is the lamest fucking excuse I've ever heard and oohh mmyyy goooddd I'mm sooo heeaaatteeeddddddd."

-"In my defense," started Collin, The Sonic Shopping Cart, "I'm a whiny bitch."

Dukey hadn't said a single word this whole time. He was too into eating the marshmallows.

-"What was your life like before this, Dukey?" asked Shrek.

-"Well, I mean, it wasn't swell. But it was never too bad. I guess I had a good life."

-"Nicenicenice," said Shrek.

-"I did always have a thing for ogres though," said Dukey seductively while winking at Shrek.

Shrek looked very uncomfortable and he backed away from the fire.

-"Shit. Sorry. I didn't mean to-"

BANG!

Everyone stood up around Dukey as they watched him tumble on his back, following the sound of a gunshot.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6: Murder in the Swamps**

After a few seconds of shock and disbelief, Johnny lunged towards Donkey, strangling him. Athenas tried to pull him off of him, but she got an elbow to the face. That's when Shrek intervened, pushing both Johnny and Athenas out of the way. He reached for Dukey's revolver and aimed it at Donkey.

-"W- what are you doing?" Donkey trembled on the other side of the gun.

-"What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking ass?!" belowed Shrek.

-"I… I…"

Johnny charged Shrek, pushing him aside. He moved past Athenas and swung at Donkey. Donkey arched back in pain. Shrek decided he had had it, and flicked Johnny in the head, knocking him unconscious.

The room fell quiet. The only noise being the gang's heavy breathing.

-"What happened?" asked the ogre slowly.

-"I- don't know what came over me."

-"You're a liability, Donkey," Shrek paced back and forth, " we can't have that."

-"I can do better! You know I can!" pleaded Donkey.

-"I know you can. So we're giving you a second chance."

Donkey exhaled and laughed in relief.

-"Sorry, ogre," mumbled Athenas softly, "but we can't risk it."

She swiftly somersaulted over to Dukey's body, grabbed his revolver, and aimed it at Donkey.

-"NO NO!" PLE-" _**BANG!**_

Donkey's lifeless body fell to the ground before he could finish his sentence.

-"Any objections?" Asked Athenas. Shrek began to tear up, but he knew she did what had to be done.

-"No," replied Shrek.


End file.
